Leila from Tehran: “We pass the nights with anxiety”
We pass the nights with anxiety. The sounds of car brakes and swift footsteps [are heard] at the heart of night. We are kept waiting for the sound of [possible] fists pounding at our door.
These nights people are asleep with their belongings kept close to them: one or two bags of cookies, medication, feminine products, towels, toothbrush, and books and notebooks.
It is known that when the capturers come to arrest you, they are sometimes rough and they will not let you take your belongings with you. They tell you that you are going in just for questioning and you will return home. No one really knows when the questioning ends.
They do not want to see us on the streets for 22 Bahman (February 11). This is why we keep our belongings close by.
At each [street] corner Basij wait at checkpoints. Their presence takes us back 30 years to the days of the Revolution. They harass pedestrians and people in their vehicles. They tell them what to do and what not to do. They search for any clue [that can be considered "illegal"] like possessing CD’s or markers for spray painting. They stick their heads fiendishly into our purses to make sure we have not hidden a marker somewhere. They take our eyebrow pencils to see if they have been used to write slogans like “Death to Khamenei” on walls.
From last week our mobile phones have become useless; either there is no service or a lady [the operator] says, “Dear subscriber, the line you are trying to reach…etc” Sometimes, in the middle of our conversations, we begin to hear strange noises, and then the call gets dropped. It does not even matter what you were talking about. The conversation does not even need to be politically driven. You could have been talking about a returned cheque from the bank or a fight with your boyfriend- all conversations end the same.
The way the internet is acting up these days could send us all straight to a psychologist. I can imagine that their business is booming. Just logging onto Yahoo! Messenger feels like waiting in a long line to get “noon sangak”(bread) at the bakery. But in this case, there is no cutting the lines or special requests for “yek doonehee” (just needing one bread). Either way, we have to suffer so we can log onto Yahoo! Messenger to read our old and useless offline messages. Sometimes we are able to say “hi” to a friend. That moment feels magical. But then, in an instant, we are kicked off the internet. Once again, we are sent to the back of the long line!
If you are lucky, maybe at the end of the night, you can log onto Facebook using proxies. But at times, it is better if we cannot access the site altogether, because we can’t “share” links or even click “like” on anyone’s page due to the filters they have put into place. Even if you see a video of Khamenei’s banner burning and you pray to all the Prophets for the godforsaken “like” button to work , it will not work.
And this is aside from all the websites that will not even upload. The BBC website, do not even go there. If you have nerves of steel, you can try Balatarin’s page. Regardless, all this will drive you crazy and you will have to [eventually] return to stage one.
We are aware where the deactivation button on our Facebook is so in a moments notice we can quickly close off any ties with the Facebook world. No one knows [exactly] what happens in Evin. Who knows, maybe they ask you to log onto your Facebook so they can check how many time you have played “Hit Khamenei on the Head,” or to see if you have taken part in sharing any anti-regime links. Let’s just say that some page in Los Angeles posts your photo in a mini skirt with a banner stating “Free Leila.” Do you think this will force the interrogators to let you off? Either way, it does not hurt to be careful.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking with all that is going on around me, I will be staying home (on 22 Bahman), right? But, would it not be better that I go out during the day with hundreds and thousands of people and risk being captured that way, instead of having them come to my home in the middle of the night to take me away with tousled hair, sleepy eyes, feeling scared to death, while my hands are tied behind my back?
Look at it this way: when our friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and family members are all taken away, you can no longer tell where the “real” prison is. Is it here or is it there?
Now let these few days pass. And yes, 22 Bahman will come. Us “prisoners” will be able to come out onto the streets for a breath of fresh air. But just you wait and see. A breathe of fresh air is exactly what we are going to take. You will see.
Leila
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